Backwards and in high heels

Happy Family

To his credit, the first thing [name recused to prevent spoilers, even though after the announcements of the past week it's not much of a secret any more] does when he appears in the new Justice League of America #10 is make sure that these three are all right. That rings true, touchingly so.

But after that moment, nobody speaks to or of them at all. The redheads are never even named. * (Don't get me wrong, I enjoy continuity porn as much as the next geek, but damn if I don't miss all that Weisinger-era exposition. These days the readers are left to put the pieces together as best they can, and if the creators don't think it's working, they say "Well, we never actually said that's who they are" and rewrite history again.)

I mean, if they are who they appear to be (and [name recused's] comments make it clear that they are), they've experienced everything [name recused] has in the last year, and should be just as disoriented and in need of hugs-all-around as he appears to be, ** not squeezed into the corner of the panel smiling beatifically. *** (Did they swap sainthood tips with Barry or Gwen while they were gone?)

"Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, except backwards and in high heels."

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* Which brings up another question. Howcome Bart had to borrow a suit to come back (leaving Saint Bartholomew the Elder streaking through the Speed Force, I presume) but Linda and the MacGuffin Twins got to hang with the same mid-thirtieth century future-pasterrific tailors the *ahem* real Legion use?

** I'm in for the next chapter, but if [name recused] does the "I think I was in heaven" Buffy-thing he looks to be heading toward, I'm going to be awfully disappointed.

*** I hate it when supporting characters know they're only supporting characters in someone else's life. Don't buy a refrigerator, Linda! It'll only lead to tragedy!

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LATER: Okay, I surrender. I am apparently unable to make one particular point understood. I'm just sayin', if I get a choice between these twins...

...and those twins...

...well, I know which ones I'd want to hit with the ol' Omega Effect, you know? I mean, I like Iris' take on the Kid Flash uniform, but everything else in the Kingdom universe can go.

That sound you hear is...

1. Earth-616's Cosmic Reset Button being pressed.
2. 50,000 Marvel readers saying "WTF" simultaneously.
3. The Internet splitting in half. Again.
   

The picture above is from New Avengers #31, and is the dead body of the entity who, up until this moment, was believed to be Elektra. What does it mean, the characters ask, and the most likely answer is that anyone who has acted in an inconsistent, out-of-character way at any time since the beginning of the current heroic age could be a Skrull.

I've lost count of the number of times Everything We Know has been revealed to be Wrong lately. When you do that too often, and you never establish what Everything Really Is before you move on to the next revelation, you arrive at Nothing Really Matters. You run the very real risk of retconning away everything the readers liked about the characters.

I have visions of a super-team -- let's call 'em Avengers, there are so many groups of Avengers running around that the odds favor it -- discovering that nobody in the room is who they appear to be. Wong is the Chameleon, Dr Strange is Loki, Luke Cage is Brother Voodoo, Spider-Man is actually the Space Phantom, Clint Barton is another Skrull (but had forgotten that he was a Skrull), Iron Fist is really Daredevil, Spider-Woman is the Other, Echo is Mystique, the Ninjas are all Jamie Madrox, and Wolverine is actually Willie Lumpkin gone postal.

If there's anybody left that I've forgotten to account for, they're probably one of Shield's Life Model Decoys.

This week's Big Question

In light of Sleez having once forced Superman and Barda to perform in a pornographic film, what exactly is Jimmy talking about here?

And am I wrong to wonder?

Avengers vs Avengers

Mighty Avengers 2

Strangely, in both Mighty Avengers and Marvel Adventures Avengers, one member of the team has been turned against the rest. Well, I suppose it isn't all that strange, since it's one of the time-tested tropes of the Marvel universe. Nor, with all the shape-shifters wandering around, is it all that unusual to discover that everything is not what it seems. Everything old, as they say, is new again.

But I'll bet that the average reader who hasn't been following the Avengers (difficult as that is, since there are three, or is it four, different groups traveling under that name) would never guess that the person on the cover of Mighty Avengers #2 is actually Tony Stark.

There's something that hasn't been done before.

Well, it's actually the latest iteration of Ultron, an artificial intelligence created by Hank Pym, which has taken over the body and armor of Iron Man and, through unknown / buzzword means, has transformed the organic and electronic source material into a shape of its choosing -- and since it "loves" Hank, the shape it has chosen is that of a stark (so to speak) naked Janet van Dyne. I wonder what its reaction will be when it discovers that, literally at this very same moment, Hank is in bed with Tigra the Were-Woman.

Whatever "at this same moment" means in an arc that has stretched across three issues so far with no real time having passed and no sign of a conclusion on the horizon.

But then, I guess the point of the book is to provide an excuse for Frank Cho to do what he does best: Draw women as close to naked as the market will allow. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

(Kind of makes you wonder why he's not drawing Marvel's version of "Birds of Prey", Heroes for Hire, doesn't it?)

Marvel Adventures Avengers 13

At least, in Marvel Adventures Avengers 13, I know what's going on. In this all-ages continuity, Janet is Giant-Girl, whose costume Hank designed to make it possible to communicate with ants. (She can shrink to ant-size as well, she just doesn't, because she doesn't see any point in being ant-sized.) This facility also makes it possible for the insectoid PsyClops to exploit a flaw in the suit's operating system and take mental control of her.

Hence, the Attack of the 50-Foot Superhero scene on the cover, which actually does occur in the book.

I have to say that, in my advancing age, what I want in a comic book is (a) a story, that has (b) a beginning, (c) a middle, and (d) an end. The mainstream Marvel universe (see above) is an infinite middle. The "Marvel Adventures" universe consists of mostly self-contained stories. I like that.

Earth-Testosterone

All Star Batman 5

I think Earth-Miller and Earth-Haney must be the same place. Possibly Earth-Kanigher too.

This book is so confusing, I don't even know: Is it still the same night the Flying Graysons were killed? What happened to Vicki Vale and her underwear? Was that really Black Canary, or just a waitress dressed as her?

Will All-Star Batman meet the all-new Batwoman?

"I love being the goddamned Batman"? I'm so glad Mom and Dad were killed, now I get to spend their money on all these wonderful toys. Now if only my looney brother would show up, my life would be complete. No, wait, maybe I am the looney brother!

This is like a Batman book written by Bat-Mite.

The Many Moods of Heroes for Hire

Well, having come late to the Mary Jane wears pearls to do the laundry party, I may as well sound off on the other thing that's got everyone's attention. The comic itself won't be on sale until August 27, so I guess it's early yet.

Of course, I'm in real trouble here, because I don't know what the context of this image is. In fact, I'm not sure I can name everyone on it. There appears to be an extra breast and arm at extreme right. Maybe somebody just figured that if six breasts are good, seven is better.

Now, not having recently fallen off the comic-book delivery truck, I have seen the occasional "tentacle rape" scene. I suspect everyone reading these words knows what that phrase means. In fact, apparently, there is only one person in the English-speaking comics-reading world who does not know what it means. And as incredible as it may seem, that person is Joe Quesada, Editor-in-Chief of one of the largest English-language comics publishers in the world, and the man ultimately responsible for the solicitation (and, presumably, upcoming publication) of the image in question. Of this image, and the attention it has drawn, and most especially the attention it has drawn from female comics readers, Joe said:

First, I think people are reading way too much into that cover than was ever intended. I heard terms such as “tentacle rape” being thrown around when that in no way is what’s happening, nor does it happen in the book. Those tentacles are the arms of the Brood who appears in the issue and is a major story point, the Brood have tentacles, sorry about that.

True, but in the twenty-five years of the characters' presence in the Marvel Universe, every previous depiction has concentrated on their insect-like nature. Previously their tentacles were used as strangling weapons, not mammary palpators. One must also remember that what the Brood want humans for is reproduction (a process fatal to the human egg host), so "rape" is not an inappropriate word for the process.

Secondly, the concept for that cover, soup to nuts came from a female artist.

Whom you've just thrown under the bus, in the process of hiding behind her. What exactly do you do at Marvel, if cover approval isn't it?

Also, HFH is a book that features two strong, lead female protagonist who kick major ass; somehow folks have forgotten to focus on that.

Does anyone on this cover look like they've ever kicked anybody's ass? No. They look like fruit waiting to be plucked from the tree. Out here in the real world (or as real as it gets when middle-aged men read comic books), we call that out of character.


On the left is Sana Takeda's original art. On the right is a "remix" done by Lea Hernandez (a thoughtful and talented creator in her own right) for her own blog, Dangerous Beauty. At this scale, the alterations are trivial, but they support three basic changes:

1. Misty Knight is supposed to be a black woman.
2. Costumes now match how they're drawn inside the book.
3. Misty, Colleen and Felicia are now directly looking at the threat they face.

The situation still isn't appealing, but it's the difference between a PG and R rating, and Heroes for Hire is supposed to be PG (or, as Marvel calls it, T+).

It was too many years ago today

Twenty...

Thirty...

Forty...

Fifty...

Meme + Meme = Meme²

Let's see, what would do justice to Schaffenberger's image of Superboy's butt?

I know. Chaykin's Galactic Space Vagina!

I don't know, something is still missing. What do you think, Batman?


Never mind. ("Alfred? Better head down to the cave and intervene. Bruce is getting sweaty again. I mean, in a bad way. What? Who am I? ...A friend.")

(Thanks to Dorian, Devon and Brandon.)

Holy Moley, Mary, what are you wearing?

2007 is clearly, among other things, the year of Mary Marvel. Old farts like me, though, are wondering if this is a good thing.

Ah, for the good old days of ten cent comics. The Mary Marvel I know would never willingly swing over to the dark side...


Boy. If you thought Wonder Woman had a history of bondage, you should check out the Marvel Family.

Well, she would definitely never wear a skirt short enough to display her firm young gluteus maximus...


And she would always leave the rough stuff to the boys...


She would... She... Huh.

Black vinyl, eh?

(All panels from Marvel Family Adventures #89, art by Kurt Shaffenberger.)

"Face it, tiger, you're doing your own laundry."

The pendulum set in motion by the infamous Mary Jane maquette is swinging back towards thoughtful, intelligent commentary. Imagine that.

"To argue that cheesecake imagery is harmful to women is to argue that male desire itself is harmful to women."
--Dirk Deppey, Journalista

"Male desire is not inherently harmful, the male gaze is not inherently pernicious, and to think otherwise is to set yourself up for a lot of frustration and misunderstanding."
--Laura Hudson, Myriad Issues

Fanboys pay $125 a pop for this thing, buying out the production run months before it actually ships, and women feel exploited. I don't get it.